Fierce Faith

By: Jeanette Arsenault

Fierce faith found me.
Lying at the bottom of that pit of pain.
That place where open wounds with gaping holes feel like they will never
heal over.
You climb out of the pit of pain only to find yourself drowning in a sea of the
unimaginable. The unfathomable.
The darkness that overtakes and the fogginess of consciousness knowing
you are breathing but just barely.
Grieving the kind of grief that only a mother who has lost her child can
know.
But fierce faith found me.
And rescued me.
And held on to me by the last strand of my hair, not letting go; not letting
me turn away from the One who took her from me.
No matter how much I wanted to scream “I hate You” and turn my back.
Fierce faith refused to let me go.

​

How easy it is to believe and have faith when all is going well.
When our hearts are dancing to a rhythm composed by life’s joys and
gladnesses.
But how far from faith do we fall when hope breathes its last 5 breaths?
And she is …. gone.
Gone forever from this place.
On to her next journey beyond the veil.
Back to the continuum where she believed we all come from and to where
we will all return. The place where we both swear we will meet again – in
time.
I promised her I would never ever give up until I find her again. Though to
“find her” is unknowable and only guessable as to what that might look like
*over there*.
So we both agree that my energy will know her energy.
That we will meet again in the great unknown when my time comes to
breathe *my* last breath.
We also agree that “God is energy.”

​

And energy is always on the move – everywhere all at once – it explodes,
implodes, vibrates, gives birth, takes lives, re-invents itself, sometimes into
a new form.
For that is the secret to life.
There is energy in everything!
Yet there are so many secrets yet to be revealed – somewhat like the
strings of life that were first unimaginable and unseeable but now,
discoverable.
Quantum leaps long ago were unknowable but are now stepping stones
into what lies in wait for our human brains to imagine, to conceive, to
discover then to shout the great “AHA!” and excite others with our
wondrous find.

​

God. The Divine. The Creator. The Great I Am. The One.
God, in all God’s Divine Names, is like that – waiting to be discovered.
God glue saved me.
Helped me keep it all together while everything was falling apart.
Grieving is very much like an iceberg – everyone sees the tip above the
water but not the 90% below. The 90% that is heavy and huge, in the dark,
alone and unseen. Languishing, tugging the tip downward but losing to an
unseeable buoyancy. The buoyancy that keeps it afloat and keeps it poking
its tip above the water.
Like that iceberg tip, you have no idea how or why you continue to float
with all the overwhelming heaviness pulling you down, down, down. At
first, you just bob up and down in the turbulence – floundering, sputtering
and spending more time under than above the water line.
Fierce faith holds on with a fierce grasp and with a sputtering gasp, you
finally find yourself mostly out of the water seeking firm land but not
knowing which way to look. Left? Right?
So you tread water.
Holding on to Fierce Faith.
Refusing to let go.