Good Friday, April 19, 2019, will mark a year since Kait flew off to the heavenly celestial skies. Wow. The year has gone by in one quick warp-speed blink of an eye because there sure were times it felt like time was standing still and I could hear the ticking of every single second of the clock.
I remember at one point how angry I felt that the world dared to carry on. You have to go through something like this to understand that non-logical thought. There is no logic in this kind of grieving. Only raw feelings and emotions unlike anything that life has prepared you for in your entire human existence on this planet.
Still hard to process but people were right – it gets easier with time. Not the pain. That never gets easier. I can state categorically that time does NOT heal all wounds. Please never say that to anyone – it’s just not true.
It’s the time *in between* the pain that heals, and where the pain lessens in intensity and in how long it lasts. You can pull back the tears a little easier. I’ve made it to and am still in what I call the “smile/cry” stage when I think of her or talk about her. And I WANT to talk about her. All the time. It’s a gift to me when people listen to me talk, cry, laugh and remember her.
There are never any fully adequate words to say to someone who has suffered a great loss. So I am thinking maybe it’s human nature for some people to just want to stay away because they don’t know what to say. In the beginning, a grieving person usually needs a LOT of alone time and space to process, grieve, and go through a myriad of emotions. And when you have lost a child, it’s a whole deeper level of grieving and pain because it is really not the natural order of life for your child to go before you do.
So people stay away because they don’t know what to say. But trust me – grievers have enough to say for both of you! People who are grieving spend a LOT of time on their own grieving so by the time they are finally coaxed out of their shell for a visit, they will talk your ear off about their loved one. It’s SOOOOO healing and therapeutic when they are ready to start talking.
In the meantime, let them know you are there. Send them a note and take the pressure off by telling them “no need to respond”. Send them messages now and then. And keep sending them. They’ll need you to keep reaching out, even if they don’t respond, they still like and need to know you care from afar. And, when they are ready, they’ll take you up on your offer for that cup of tea and they’ll talk/cry/laugh/reminisce our their loved one.
It’s the best gift you can offer – your time, your listening ear and loving heart. I know that’s what I needed and those who understood this, never gave up on me. And have my forever gratitude for helping me survive the hardest year of my life.
Here is a video of my daughter in her pjs singing a Chinese song with her friend Keira. Yes you read that right – singing in Chinese. Keira sent me this out of the blue a while ago.
Keira was at our house and told Kait she knew how to play this lovely song called “Ting Hai” (Listen To The Sea) and you guessed it, she starts to play and Kait happened to know all the words. By heart. So this is literally “off the floor”, one take, 2 young people sharing the beauty of music as their “so what do you want to do tonight?” activity in their pjs.
I will write a book one day called “When It Comes To Kait, Nothing Surprises Me Anymore”.